feed yourself

When something is wrong in your body or When you have pain,
You feel it straight away. You know something need to be done.

I understood that I need medicine, or some treatments, because of my ankle.
I knew, I cannot walk normal, and I need help.

I had to call few times, and nurse looked my foot, then doctor,
and they just said, pain is going to go away, just wait.
I knew, I have had this before, and I knew I need something more,
not just ' go and wait '
So I didnt give up and I got appointment for the same day.
Now I know, that my muscles of my ankle are very weak,
and that I need to do exercises to be able to walk normal again.
it will take one year, that my foot has same power than my other one.
but luckily in couple weeks I can walk without pain, if I do my exercises.

Its easy to notice, when for example there is pain in foot. or head, or arm..
If you have wound, you know you need bandage. If you have head ache, you might take painkillers. If you cannot see well, you might need glasses.

We take care of our bodies, we see need of our body parts, and we want to feed the need. We eat when we are hungry, we sleep when we are tired etc.

But what happens when our 'spiritual body' is in need. How easily we can tell that we have wounds or that we cannot breath well?
If we dont have connection with God, we sufficate, If we dont feed ourself with word of God, we will die. But because our physical body is still alive, we might not see the spiritual one is drying and needs help.
Thinking from the view of eternity, our physical body has so small part of this road, still that is the one, which steals our most attention. We want our body to feel ok.

Im speaking about myself too, of course.
Im not saint, or any better than anyone else. My physical needs is always first.
But after I've feed my body, and take care of it, do I have time to God?
If Im satisfied after lunch, going toilet, drinking water, and going out for walk,
Is there any needs to be filled?

Yes there is.
I know, I have once choosed to believe Jesus.
I have choose the way of faith,
and its not just about having good feelings.
I made decision, to take my days with Jesus,
even I dont feel I need him,
I dont need I need bible.
But I KNOW I need.

Now,
when I have been kinda tired,
and lonely etc. I have needed God more.
But I know, I need him also then,
when Im having fun,
when I have lots of friends
maybe when Im healthy and life is shining.
i still need him.

I want to learn to take care of my spiritual body.
not of course forgetting my physical one.
But understand, that power to be able to really live,
comes from inside.
comes from the love, that God is giving to my soul.

Desert time?

I hurt my ankle three or for weeks ago, in China,
Location bus station in Harbin.
It was kinda stressful day, we were all carrying our back bags, mine was 18 kg.
First we took taxi to the wrong place, and I couldn't breath well,
cause we were in hurry. Stairs up and down, then going around places,
and trying to breath, but still keep on going, that I wouldn't lose others.
I kept on going, I knew in some point I can rest...
In bus station, when we finally arrived there, I didnt have power to stand anymore, I fainted. I just remember I blinked my eyes, then I was laying on the floor,
with my back bag. Two my friends, with whom we travelled that morning helped me up.
I felt so bad.

And worst feeling came from guilty. I was holding back others, that is how I felt.
I have some health issues, which came from somewhere, and I dont know reason for those (believe, I have been in hospital _MANY_ times)

But anyway,
I got my rest in bus, it was long ride, something like 12 hours if I remember correctly.
I sat alone, in the corner of bus, I wasnt very good company, so I decided to just be there by myself.

After that I realized I cannot walk normally. My foot was twisted little bit, it wasnt straight. I had to step wrong with my foot to be able to walk, cause it hurt too much.
Pain was there, but I learnt to walk in way, that it wasn't so bad.

Two weeks I walked wrong and then when I came to Finland, after few days I went to hospital. There they tied my ankle, and after that pain became worse.
I have to eat strong painkillers twice in day to avoid pain.
If I want to go somewhere, I should have someone who would give me a ride.
And I really dont like to call people all the time if I want to go somewhere...
So only for church services I have asked ride. I dont want to miss those.

Today I called to hospital for next appointment, cause my foot is worse... Today my phone was nice, I only called twice because of poor connection.

last week I missed many calls from my friends, and also one from hospital,
and for now two weeks my connection has been very unstable..
My phone works when it works. And its not easy to call operators support number, cause my phone doesnt work well. :D (and cause I use internet with my phone, using it as a modem, my internet is acting same)

I just feel trapped here :D
phone works when it wants, internet ... same,
I cannot go anywhere, cause my foot...
Finding motivation to wake up and just do something alone in my apartement is hard.

Person needs something... to have motivation for basic stuffs.
When you are alone, and just cannot go anywhere, you will feel very tired.
I could just sleep all the time.
Yes, I pray, I read bible, and some other books (about Russia of course ;) )
But I just feel I need something more, company, people, something to do.

But that is just how I feel,
I' praying that everything is going to go allright,
and I trust on God, even I feel like ... how I feel.

It just interesting, how great period I had in my life doing DTS,
I can really tell how God helped me to grow, and gave me so much new,
and I have changed in many ways.
Maybe now it is tested, what I decide to do in this situation,
I decide to go with God, and not give up.

I just know, I will need someone with whom to share all this,
and pray with...
soon I don't have power to pray :(

Where God is leading me?

”Why Russia?”
I've heard this question from many.
Giving answer for that can take long, and explaining what Russia means for me can be hard. How to open my heart to the listener in way, that he could really understand what I mean?
”Russia is in my heart” - What more I could say?

When I started my 7 grade, nine years ago, I would have liked to start learn russian language. Again one of my grazy ideas, i thought. Later I wouldn't be interested anymore.
Russian course what they offer in my school never started ,cause number of students wasn't enought to start new group. I didnt start my russan learning. Not yet.

After few years, when I went to high school, door to my russian path opened. I had now chance to study language of my dear neighbor country, поехали, Lets go then!
My name was now in the list of students who start learn russian language from the beginning.

I struggled to pronounce seven different ”S- sounds”. С,Ч, Ж, З, Щ,Ш,Ц
Everything sounded same for me at the beginning. Slow but sure it all started to make more sense.
With trying and failing, trying again, and little by little going forward, I were able to overcome obstacles. I never was the best, and my grades were average or below that, but I had passion.
I got prize after first year of studies from my russian language teacher, cause I was so excited to learn more.

First time I visited St.Petersburg when I new only few words and phrases. I knew what ment ”Sposibo”(thank you), and using phrase ”Moshno paket” in every store, after 3 days I owned 15 plastic bags more than before. ”can I have plastic bag”

After my high school my russin skills and learning had holiday. There wasnt chance to study more, and I had time in life, that russian learning wasnt number one in my list of what I should do.
Straight away when I started in my university in city called Mikkeli I was excited to continue my russian studies. University offered language courses, but also there was possible to study russian history, culture an religion. 'Russian path' – course had 8 lessons, each was 2 or 3 hours long,
and had different topic. That course gave me lots of knowledge about Russia. I enjoyed.
With my russian group I travelled to St. Petersburg twice, and now after few years of studies I were able to really say something in restaurants and streets. It wasnt waste of time what I spent learning russian, I was getting better.

Once I started to wonder this question, Why Russia, why you have passion for that nation?
I really had to think reasons for that. From somewhere that passion started, but where, in what situation? I couldnt remember any concrete memory, passion just started. No one didnt push me, or force me to study, I didnt start to like that nation because of someone else, motivation came somewhere inside...
We were talking about calling in our lives, in youth group meeting. ”Where God has called you to be?”- was the question. We shared our feelings. My answer was something like this : ”For some reason Russia has been my passion for now about 7 years, and always when someone asks 'why' I couldnt answer. Maybe Russia is my calling, Maybe God has given that nation to my heart.”

Something happened inside my mind. Maybe that is the answer. Its not coinsidense that I've kept on studing russian even it has been very hard, and many tests I failed. And I havent got many chance to even use that language. After frustrated times I still had power to go forward. What gave that power to me? Who gave me more passion for Russia? God?

Same time I started to pray for my next autumn, cause I had this grazy idea, that I should go to DTS, disclipeship training school, to Vladivostok, Russia. Insane!
But somewhere I took that idea, by accident found web site of that school which was located near the japan ocean, Far far east russia. End of the world.

God gave peace to my heart, and I knew that is my next step, DTS in Vladivostok.
Three months of lecture phase, learning about God, and then next three months outreach, putting into practise what we learnt during lectures. Missionfields.
I sent applications and kept on praying.
When It was sure that I was going ,was time to tell people.
My mom was shocked, friends surprised, and many people doupted. ”maybe Heidi is just little bit too excited about this 'God thing', soon she will be down on earth...”
But when you know, that God has put something into your heart, no ones opinion cannot steal that inner voice, and passion from you. I wasnt just rebellious and grazy when I decided to go, there was over half year prayers behind, before my trip to DTS even started.

Sebtember 17. friday. Plane from Helsinki left, through St.Petersburg and Moscow to Vladivostok.
Step towards unknown. This was that I was waiting for, opportunity to live someday in Russia, more than for one weekend as tourist. Live there for real.

After I arrived to Vladivostok I started to think, was my passion still there. Maybe this reality could kill it, and maybe my dream to live in Russia was now behind when I really was there.
It wasnt, I didnt disappoint.
Vladivostok became my second home. Trips by russian bus was first hard, but I got more balance, Luckily I didnt fall down too often, friends were there for me, holding me up ;)
City of over half million people didnt have even Mc Donalds, but I didnt miss that at all.
On the streets and buildings I could sense something that I missed in St. Petersburg. Cities which are more near europe, have become more western, and russian culture is not seen so clearly.
In vladivostok I really felt what is to be in russia, It is very nice and cozy place to live.
Once I was buying cd in one store, I was really surpised how friendly they were, helped me and were very patience, even my russian skills wasnt so perfect. I can get good customer service also in Russia :D !
Also churches, and one of them especially became important to me. One day I will go back there to see my friends..

After our outreach through China- Thailand and Myanmar we arrived back to home...
To Russia! It really felt that I was now back home, which was first really weird, I didint expect that.
Home is of course Finland for me, but home of my heart will remain in Russia.

"Why Russia?"
I've heard this question from many.
Giving answer for that can take long, and explaining what Russia means for me can be hard. How to open my heart to the listener in way, that he could really understand what I mean?
”Russia is in my heart – always ”

food is not solution, God is

Just one piece
One slice
One bite
It will not hurt me.

It makes me feel good, so why not?

Little bit more. I know, im not going too far.
Im full, but... I feel I need something.

Just one piece
One slice
One bite
It will not hurt me.

It makes me feel good, so why not?

Now Im again alone.
With me.
With my thoughts.
I need something,

food is not solution,
its problem, if I lose control.

I have lost my control too many times.
I choose different now.
I choose to leave it to my past.

It never made me feel good.
It was lie.
And now I dont want to live in that lie again
never again.

Forgive me God.
Its you, who i need.

Who is for who? God knows best

Eccl 4:9-12
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

”Two are better than one”
”If one falls down, his friend can help him up”

Gen 2:18
”it is not good for the man the man be alone”

Many times we people have desire to have someone with whom to share life. To really have someone who would be ready for be with you – forever -
does that desire come from God?
Is it ”allowed” to dream like that?

I think yes.

But what part that thought is taking in your life?
Are you in peace with that, and have you give all your rights to ever get married to God?
Trusting, that he knows what is best for you?
Or is that controlling you, controlling your mind and your thinking way.
Are you desperate to have someone, that you cannot focus on Gods will on your life at all?
Is that controlling me?

It did control me, before, I think.
I was ancious maybe almost desperate.. I just knew that I needed someone,
perfect love, I thought
I searched from friends, and other people, just company, maybe not more.
Someone who could understand me. Listen, and take care.

I was searching something what only God can give me, from people.
I expected too much from others, and many times I was disappointed.
Also I tried to give that to others, that perfect love. I tried to take care of everyone.
I tried to be Jesus. Kinda.

We are not perfect.
If expectations are too high in relationships, and you try to be more than you are, you will feel failier. You cannot be more than you are.

What God expects from you, is you to be just.. you. Be yourself.
And he wants you to admit, that you need God to be able to love and care.
I understood that. I need Him also to be able to receive love.

Close relationship is not just something you start straight away. It takes time.
And it will need Gods love to grow, and become healthy.

”two are better than one”

Yes.
But I think only when you are willing to give future of you relationships in to Gods hands,
and let him lead your steps and choises, you are going in the right way.

I mean, God doesnt want to steal anyone from your life, and then leave you alone and feel miserable. He knows you best, and knows what you really need inside you.
If you are willing to trust on Him, and his choise,
If I am ready for doing that, I know, who ever God is giving me, is then the perfect one.

I choose to trust God,
He knows best

Allowing me to be me

Phil 1:6
”being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

One worry for me has been that things I learned during DTS about myself and my behaving,
will not carry on after DTS, that I will go back to same old what I used to be.
And seeds, what took place inside me just dry and die.

I started to find myself more. I got freedom from my chains, which tried to sufficate my life.
I started understand that process I went through began allready two years ago.
Process of Allowing me to be.. me.

Sometimes I think about that time when I didnt show anything about me. I hide my feelings and dreams and fears. I was hard, solid and unbreakable. I was strong, at least I thought so.
Through many obstacles and disappointmens God started to speak to me. The power what was keeping me in one piece wasnt enough, cause it was my own power.
I understood. I need God. Then started hard times. I wasnt so strong at all.
Relying God started. Step by step I allowed him to become my strenght. He is my power and my everything.
I was growing to be me. To be human. To be weak.
Slowly but surely I was going forward.

Now after growing togehter with God, and letting him be the driver in my car, and letting him to turn the wheel, I feel freedom.

In DTS, where I was almost 6 months, with 11 other people, I could say I have grown more. Safe atmosphere, loving christian family and common passion for knowing God more gave wonderfull opportunity to grow and learn myself. I allowed people come close, cause I really learned trust them.
Those 11 person for me was blessing. I felt loved, I felt I was part of something, and I knew that they were for me. And I for them. Giving and receiving.

Now, Im back to Finland, and that fear came, that am I ever able to build similar relationships in my life. Maybe growing faster could make me fall easier, and killing the seeds what grew inside me?

”...he who began a good work you will carry it on to completion...” (phil 1:6)

I will trust God in this. He will not let my seeds dry. He started that work inside me, and will carry it on to completion, like this verse says.

I dont have to be affraid. God is on my side.

Some poems...

I just came last week from my 6 months DTS,( discipleship training school (later I can tell more about that) and very last week of my school I felt I want to write something...

I was praying at mornings outside, seeing beautiful russian winter and rising of the sun... It just made me feel many things. I felt so thankful to God for my life.
How he has been there always, and how his presence has healed me, and make me see
the world around me much more beautiful and made me appreciate all that in new way.

Here Is couple things what I wrote during last two weeks. in Russia and in Finland, first week back home.

Russia, you stole my heart
(24.2.2011)
Finally back home
at least it feels like it
Who cares if Im not from here?

Set me free (28.02.2011)

Watering my soul, collecting pieces from yesterday
putting things right again

Touching my face, giving tender love for tomorrow
revealing treasures from far away

--Set me free
--Never let me fly back to the gadge
--Cut my chains
--Cover me from enemies, from memories

Opening the eyes, hoping for the future times
walking under the moonlight

Smiling to me, showing that I'm not alone
encouriging me to live again

--Set me free
--Never let me fly back to the gadge
--Cut my chains
--Cover me from enemies, from memories

Set me free

Sound of strawberries
(7.3.2011)
Familiar sound, reminds me something.
Day, when Strawberries still were white.

It was June, first weekend.
Green grass, blue sky.
We were swimming with my friend
water was still cold.

Over the waters I could hear sound,
electric guitar and beat of base.
Song about mercy. last hour of life
I knew that song, from childhood.

I could feel all the feelings at same time.
all feelings what I remember
when I was kid.
It wasn't always so easy, but we survived.

sound of violin, deep, strong and touching.
I was swimming on clouds. flowing.
Sound has so many memories,
feelings and picture of your past.

Now, same song is playing,
but Im not sad anymore.
I understand, that past has place in our thoughts,
but its gone allready.

Before past, memories, feelings and pictures
controlled my life. too much.
I was never really living in the moment.
I wanted to go back, or just go away.

Not anymore.

What next day brings, I dont know
I can look back, and see, what can I learn,
but Life is now, not yesterday or tomorrow. now.
I make decision to live my life, today.

Today strawberries are still waiting for sowing,
but I know, one day, I can have my own, red one.>

There is few more, but I can share those later. Im not sure where they are.

Christian. Everyday, not just weekends.

Im really glad I've written much about my life for allready many years.
I was reading something what I wrote ... 4 years ago, and I could sense
unstable thinging and confusing mind of mine.
Trying to struggle with faith and own emotions.

What have changed? well, many things, but most importan, relationship with God.
It was always the thing what was missing, I didnt understand the point of being christian. I just lived my life as a christian, and tried to survive. My own.

Being christian, everyday life with jesus christ. building relationship deeper.
understanding, that my life doesn't belong to me, but to God.
Growing in my own christian identity with God, and searching my calling.
Welcome to my world, searching that calling for my life, with me. and With God.