Exhausted, broken and unable to see normal future. That is how I felt last summer, before I did BCC in Vladivostok. I felt I’m irresponsible and crazy for leaving another side of the world for intensive bible school for 3 months in my life situation because I barely had strength for daily tasks.
God spoke me,
that I should
go to Vladivostok.
In July one Wednesday evening God spoke me that I should go to Vladivostok. I took a huge step of faith and decided to go to that school. Soon I was about to know how God truly is strength in weak.
I had very big
lies in my life, that drew me to believe I cannot survive
normal life. I didn’t even think those were lies, they were so deep in me. God literally
spoke me every week and opened me how His truth, Bible, can set me free from my
emotional prison.
My maybe biggest lie
was, that deep down
I didn't believe I have value
My maybe biggest lie was that deep down I didn’t believe I have value. That is one of the
reasons, I didn’t believe I could live normal life, and that I don’t want to
take care of myself properly. It was PAINFUL to realize that lie. It was
extremely hard to see how I don’t respect myself. I had grown to believe I am
below others and that I might have some little purpose in life… but still I am
not person with true value.
I started to proclaim
to myself that truth
that I am valuable
What hurt me most was, that I knew it had to change, and I started to proclaim to myself that truth that I am valuable. I decided to do that daily “Heidi you have value” .That hurt me, because the pain of not believing it hit me to my face all the time. Saying something about yourself that you are unable to believe is really difficult. If someone has similar situation, understands what I am saying. It really hurts. But I did it, because I knew in that moment that God sent me there to hear the truth. He wants to heal me and replace those deadly lies with his eternal loving truths. I cried so much and hated myself torturing myself “ Heidi you have value” –NO I HAVE NOT “Yes you have”.
I wrote this proclamation and printed it and attached
it to my bible, so I could see it every time I open it. That was my concrete
way to make commitment to this matter. My application.
My proclamation:“Son of the God, Lord of the Lords, king of the Kings, Savior and one who reigns forever, eternal high priest and the Word, through whom everything is made, and nothing is made without him, Word which is with God and is God. That is Jesus Christ who is holy and higher than anything else. He who had every power in heaven and the earth gave every glory he had, came from heaven from the riches of the Gods presence , midst of perfection and came to be a man, like us, like me and was lowered, to be able to help me, who is without him nothing. He came and died so that he could save me from the death. By this what he has done he showed the real value to me. In him I am everything, and in him I have everything. My identity is in Christ, which means that I am indescribable valuable. FOREVER.AMEN "
I HAVE VALUE.
And I believe it.
Now I have been back to Finland almost 3 months. For many days and weeks I don’t think much about what I learnt, because it’s hard to take it all at the same time. But today I started to think some stuff from school again, because I realized something has changed. Something huge. I woke up today, didn’t quite have the best day, because I’m little sick, but it doesn’t matter. I had this thought in my mind “Hey I have value. I am valuable” –wooaah… What I just thought? I don’t have words
to describe this feeling… I HAVE VALUE. And I believe it. And it feels totally normal to believe it. I have no words. I just praise God
I am more free
than ever
Next
week I’ll start long term job, very first time in my life, and I am just so
blessed. I know I am not perfect and healed in every area of my life, but I am
more free than ever. Starting a job, and
living normal life is more than I could’ve imagined. I didn’t believe this
could be possible, not in near future anyways. I am amazed of the power God has, and I am so
thankful.
You have value, because
God has given it to you.
I want to say: don’t believe lies, which says “you are not valuable”. And if you believe, start proclaim the truth of God in your life that you have extremely big value. Even it would hurt. God gave his son for you, that you could be free. We have value, because God has given it to us.
Heb 2:9-11
“…Jesus, who was made lower than
the angels for a little while, now crowned with glory and honor because he
suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.
In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom
and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation
perfect through what he suffered. Both the one who makes people holy and those
who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them
brothers and sisters.”
