poem :)

It had chocolate in it

What is courage?
What is strenght?
How my days should be spent?

What are feelings?
What is pain?
Am I going to live in shame?

Who is creator
Who is God
Is the reason to live here Love?

When to stand,
When to move?
Will I ever find the Holy Truth?

Is this real?
Is this fake?
Are you gonna eat that cake?

No ?
Ok, lemme eat that.

The end

For long time i have peace inside.

I have been so stressed about my future and my next steps, so either i haven't be able to do much anything, or  i have been doing everything at once like Duracell bunny...

And have slept . A LOT!

I still sleep quite long, but im not so stressed, and anxious about  humm.. everything...
and I have been able to enjoy the moments.

I found some feeling inside me, that cause me to be so stressful with all the stuff.
(I escaped my true feelings without understanding it )

But i faced the situation, and what i had inside me, and told God, situation is now this,
and I cannot do anything about it, so you help me, thanks.

Of course not demanding like God is the employee... but still quite bossy way, cause i know
i cannot handle this situation on my own.
Also i truly wanna live better way, and not spend all my time by PLAYING FARMVILLE .......
and other things (well atm. in other tab, im feeding my hens and pigs, and harvesting crops :D )

at least i know internet is not the only life i have.

Anyways.... after i understood that .... thing inside me, and leaving it to God, i have been more relaxed,
and also I have been able to wait in peace what will happen next (i have applied to multiple schools and waiting for answers...)

I have also said to God that i really really wanna leave this city... cause i need change.
From many things in my life. But still I wanna leave this to Gods hand. if doors won't open to another city,
then i will not go anywhere. even i dislike that idea, but if for somereason there is no way i cannot leave, then i demand God to give me strength to LIKE the idea of staying here :D

Cause in the very end, where God is , i can be happy, even Im sad.
where God is, i can find peace, and meaning for my life.

And the greatest thing is that where I AM... God is there always with me.
So i have no worries <3

Im sometimes just sooo tired and i dont pray and feel like i need a break from my life....

But i still know God takes care...

I am just so tired... and so powerless...
Dunno how long i have Strenght to keep on going and Trying and failing...

I just wanna sleep. 

Paintings....

Two paintings i made this evening. ..
Tomorrow will start one exhibition where these goes. :)

Broken Girl by Matthew West

Broken girl- Matthew West

Look what he's done to you
It isn't fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn't care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like "innocence"
Don't mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can't sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl

Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl

We are beautiful!

I know I am beautiful.
I know I am a woman, and I am attractive in many ways.
I know not all will find me beautiful, but I am still that.

I know that what is inside me is more important than what is outside,

but I also like how I look outside , and I can truly say I love myself.

I know Im not perfect , like no one is, but I have learn to like myself.

And I know because I am able to love myself,

I am able to truly love others as they are.

I can honestly say, that how I am, it is enough. and I am enough woman.

I don’t have to be different, even sometimes I doubt, and I have those

Days when I’m depressed.

Still inside, I know I’m God creation, and it’s enough.

WE ARE BEAUTIFUL <3

Past few months

I have got friends

-with whom I can pray, talk, be more myself

As more Im with God, as more Im able to myself

and trust on people.

Able to cry, and show true feelings

able to be weak and helpless….

Easier to truly enjoy life

Im SO thankful that God is growing me, and giving people in my life

Still sometimes is hard to trust that people wouldn’t hurt me…

But I know the answer is in God, and as often I pray and shout to God

I need his love to heal me….

It becames easier !

No person can fill the deepest need to be loved.

First God can give us the perfect love, and reason for my life…

And after that I can build relationships.

No  relationships is perfect, You and me, we are not perfect

But God is!

Girlsnight

Ohhh im so happy that i have so Great friends in my life... ♥

Today we were Swimming and then just taaaaaalk whole evening. Prayed and had fun.

Im enjoying this facebook break cause i spend more time with pwople in real life... :)))

Granpa is now in home

Granpa left to his final journey

I praise you in the storm - Casting Crowns

When impossible is possible (?)

What if...

you could catch a star from the sky?

you could find the end of the rainbow?

you could hear your friends thoughts?

you could see the future?

you could understand all the languages in the world?

you could change the weather?

you could be invisible?

what if ...

you could find a perfect love?

oh its May !

Now I have flight ticket to Zurich...
So in September I can go and see my dts leader...
And celebrate her weddings <3
. I saw her soooo long time ago... wow...
Im so glad for this opportunity :)

Yesterday we had Vappu - gathering.
Some of us made different kinda food/desserts ...
And we had something like 11 people to celebrate the day together.

I enjoy a lot when there is people around and we can have time together,
play games, and eat, and just have fun, and talk to each others.
I also like to invite people who dont know each others, and introduce them..
and then they have more friends ! yay!

after that party i came home and during the night i felt sick , and i think i had fever, cause i was so cold...
Morning i wasnt feeling so well so i skipped my work from today and stayed home and just slept...
I hope tomorrow i will be better cause we have international evening in church and im singing and charing testimony there, and saturday is my granpas funerals.

Today i was feeling blue...
just thought sad things and something that... im afraid of...
Im afraid of losing people around me :(
I hope I wont get disappointed...
it is just hard, cause if you want to trust, and get known people closer,
there is always risk, that those are not staying in your life :p

But Im glad I can always trust on God...
thats the only hope i have, when im having this fear, that i cannot trust on people. . .

I just dont wanna get hurt.

God, be with me ,and help me to get rid of this fear <3
I trust on you, and i put my heart in to your hands, take good care of it <3 thanks ))

Just chilling with God ^^

Ooooohhh, was a great MONDAY !
Had one meeting afternoon, then just did laundry and some cleaning... well not enough cause this place is a mess... ;D

oh!! and I called to VLADIVOSTOK !!! <3 to my dts leader... Im planning to go to her wedding to Switzerland... <3 (autumn)
soooooo great... i saw her IRL last time....  27.2.2011 !

Thennn.... had two different music practise from 18-20 maybe? well, of course we stayed longer, andd played christian metal music !!! YAY  HB- It is time etc... I LOVE !
and then we left at 22... and now im exhausted.....

God is sooo good <3 and im glad i have great believer friends <3




Listen --->   HB - it is time

Church - Home

Most important in church is relationships, and that we are loving each others with the Love of God

We cannot love each others, if we dont know the one, whom Love is from.
That why we need to look ourselves to the mirror, and ask "what are the priorities in our lives"

Now a days
People has forgotten the values, true values in life.
Family, marriage, commitment.... they have no value for many in this world.
This time is different, and people is putting their trust more and more in dead objects and things,
and have forgotten the value of human being

Material things has become the reason of happiness,
We are searching our meaning in our lives from money, work, hobbies...
new cellphones, computers, iphones, ipads, ipods...
New clothes new this and that..
Those dead things has replace the power of relationships, power of love,
where the true happiness could come from.

And then people are miserable, and they feel empty.
Material things cannot fill our needs, even thou we try that.

And still, people are feeling alone.
OF COURSE THEY ARE.
when ever could things replace a person?
Never, but still we are doing that.

But why it is so hard to keep relationships?

I think this time also makes people lazy (at least in western countries)
And also impatient.

Everything what we wanna have is in our hands in just seconds.
Info from internet, couple clicks and googlings and then you got answer for your question,
If you need to catch your friends, just go facebook, and right away that person is there, and you can chat

If you need to buy something, you can just order it from internet, or go to store,
and if you are lucky and live in a city, where is 24/7 stores, you dont even have to wait to the morning.

Everything what you need is there of you and you dont have to wait...

so maybe that is one reason, we have so much problems with keeping relationships,
cause IT TAKES TIME

If bike brokes, laptop has some problems, or you lose your phone...
you can get a new one, you can go and fix it very quickly...

But how about a relationship?
If you have problem, or if you lose that , or if relationship brokes...
you cannot go to the store to get new one...
or do you?
do you quit of trying to fix the problems, and then find new people around you...?
Or do you try to find solution?

And are you ready for that it is not the same than with your bike, or phone...
Its not just fixing some little thing there, and then its brand new...
It takes time
patient
Love
and are you ready to change YOURSELF also?
If bike is broke you fix bike, but if your leg is broken,
and you cannot cycle... are you still going to fix the bike?
not you?

Okay, lets think our own church...
whatever church it is.

You will live with those people, with all their faults, and imperfectness...
Are you ready to be humble and bless those who have hurt you?
Ready to forgive...
Ready to even thank God for those people who have come to your life,
hurt you and then.... you have had chance to change and learn new things in yourself...

Church is the place where you and me can grow.
Church is home.

One day

I have been thinking of what is important in my life, and what I could give away for someone.

I mean, If someday I will have boyfriend/ husband, I know, there is two persons, who have  their own dreams, and both have been thinking of future separately before they met each others...

What Im willing to give away, and what is something I could not?
And what is my ultimate one dream?

Is it that I have family, and that I will have a husband  who I can love, and who loves me back,
And that we will together serve God...
Or is my ultimate one dream to do the things what I have dreamed of? (for example missionfield, outreach, serving God in abroad, in Russia, being missionary?)
And can those be combined together? or not? and should it be combined?

I pray that when ever I will get married, Im willing to then put my husband d family to the first place (after God of course)
because when Im married, my first priority ministry place is my family !

I also pray, that I wouldnt be thinking of that I will miss something in my life, if I have to leave some dreams behind... Because Gods plan is always the best, and he never stops to give blessings to my life.

And I wanto understand that where ever  I am, there I can serve God.
Not try to seek something huge and "fancy" because THEN God could use me...
understand that the place Im right now. work, hobbies, church, relationships... THERE I can do Gods will!

"okay then when I'm missionary in some darkest African forest, then I'm in Gods plan"

NO! Im in Gods plan RIGHT NOW !

And who will be beside me?
I dont know...

I just know that my desire is to have husband, who will put God to first place,
And is willing to give away dreams, like I am willing... and then seek TOGETHER
what is Gods plan for us...
And that I could be a wife, who can support husband, and honour him.
And that I could be loved by him.


Im Glad thou, i dont have to put my happines to that dream, or desire.
I wanna have my happines and  REASON to live IN GOD
And then.... when time and person is right....
I can share this  life with a person,
who is ment for me.

One day I'm yours, and you are mine <3

Fasting and giving time for God

Whats there for me?
Where should I be?
Whats there for me, o Lord? 

Taking time off from fb, and other things i normally use daily
and giving that time to God has make impact to me already.

I have been able to focus on God more , and I have felt better physically and spiritually and mentally.

First day off from fb was friday, and then i also fasted 12-16, and seeked God , read bible and gave time for him.
I started the time writing down questions and thoughts, that i would like to know and understand in me, and God, and in other people.

I was so blessed all friday, and I had a great time after that also... we had music practise in evening, and we worshipped and danced together.... many hours, and prayed for our city.

God was closer, and that is what i want from my life.
That I could be closer to God, and then understand more of his heart and his will...

Friday I got some answers already to my questions...
will I get those more, or confirmation for those answers?

I dont know, but I will trust God, he will lead me there where I should go...
And the right people will stay in my life, when we seak Gods will together.

Friday- saturday 26-27. 4.2013

-HJ-

Choices choices....

This life situation will show do I have patience...
Or maybe this will grow it ... well i hope it will.

Im going to take time off from social media, and as much as possible from Internet...
And this time for real :D
Normally its just fails after one or two days :p

I need time WITH GOD
for seeking his will, and also understand my own...
thoughts about my life and what I really want from future...


Life is complicated sometimes

"Why, where, when.... with whom, without whom, what for, to whom for...."

More questions than answers,
But only thing I can do is trust.... trust God, who knows everything.
And relay on him, and ....
Wait.

 My soul, wait in silence for God alone, For my expectation is from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress. I will not be shaken. With God is my salvation and my honor. The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times, you people. Pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us. 

psalm 62.5-8

What makes me ALIVE?

What makes me breath?

What makes me take another step?

What makes me ALIVE?

 The spirit that comes Above,

The spirit that fills my soul with Joy and peace

and wiith many millions of dreams! 

The spirit of the Lord God Almighty 

-Heidi

I have been thinking of future, and decisions....

Well now I cannot choose anything I have already applied to places and prayed a lot, maybe not enough...

Cause I feel so impatient and restless...

In this moment I have multiple ways to go, and well... later on will know if I really have to choose between those... then I will need so much... wisdom? or something to know which way to go...

But now Im not making choices so is the time of WAITING...

Thats sometimes the hardest part :P

Im lucky..

 that  in this moment Im happy in many ways,

 and that my relationship with God is closer than long time before. 

I know that God never left me, and I never left Him, but my life was exhausting,

 and I was powerless to seek Him more and go forward in my faith.

My faith time has been turning on "Spring"

that's the time when new things are seeded to the heart 

and many new areas are waiting for the finder...

I have started to Play more music and have being in music charge few times...

Im truly happy

I want to enjoy His presence..

Also this is the time when distractions tries to steal my focus
And I have tempation to work with my own power and not to seek God first.

What I need now is patient, peace and trust to God!
He will say when I should go forward. and where.

Prayer

God Help me to give this situation to your hands,
And have faith on you
You will carry me

and lead my way where I should go

You have strenghten me and healed my wings
So I can fly in your dreams
Show me, when I should go further in those dreams

And start fly again

Thank you God