We all need the feeling to be loved. Some more some less. Some maybe have hidden and are neglected the need some people are overwhelmed of that, but I believe deep in everyone has that need. To be loved in a way that you will feel whole, you will get meaning of your life and you dont feel alone.
There is many things in the world that can try to fill that need; entertainment, self development, , helping others/being ”good person",bettering yourself in some way. It can also be power and feeling of superiority, proudness or hunger for more money. Some people go seeking these things the level of madness and addiction. Of course there is also drugs and alcohol that can give you something you need.
Source of deep affection and acceptance and unconditional love is often seeked from another human being. Taking hold of those who are giving you that love that you desperately are graving. At least it seems that is what we need. Though no one can truly meet perfectly our deepest needs and loneliness. And it will put unrealistic expectations to relationships if we try to give or receive the deepest need in it. We can't. We will fail.
I can describe myself to be quite strong love seeker, maybe not always directly and openly, but I know I can be hours and days and weeks just waiting something that could meet my needs. Something or someone who could say to me that what is the reason of this life. Even in mind level I would know the truest source of whqt I need, in the level of emotions I can be so often so empty, needing for something lasting, caring and healing. Love that don’t fail and don’t leave.
I do have that source, I do believe the source is God. But I don’t choose to come to him all times. Maybe I’m disappointed or maybe I am lost. Or i have some behavior that I learnt and its hard to grow out. I just know when I struggle most I have strong temptation to go for so many other sources that give temporary relief for my needs. For me those sources are many times from the field of entertainment.
I stopped playing facebook games and i dont take game applications to my phone. That was decision I made 2 years ago July, when I had been highly addicted so many games for almost 10 years from that time. Games are ok , but for me thet only served one purpose: filling the emptiness and loneliness. I tried so many times before that but I was never ready earlier but that time I was. But addictions have roots, and cutting one off doesn’t stop te behaviour throughoutly, it needs to be dealed. I mean the root.
I just read my diary from 3 years ago and I realized similarities, watching too many episodes of some tv show and not able to stop. Knowing I should face the thoughts and emptiness and go through the roots not escaping. But I also saw differences. I have grown so much from that. My behavior was really not under the control, meaning it could last for days and weeks, I was depressed and tired and anxious and I neglected my own basic needs sometimes but I fed myself with entertainment. Also ate too much or too less. Many things that are better now. Back then I couldnt work, I was not able to take care of some household duties in a way it would have been needed.
If I look more back I even see worse picture. Girl who was so lost in her life that she just did everything that she could to survive. And was attached too many unhealtht sources that failed to fed the inner need, and was trying to find more.
Why i have changed? I am forever grateful for that there is God who has promised to give that living water yhat stops the never ending thirst. I have known him now approximately 24 years. I became christian believer when I was 5 years old.
I am changing because God is giving the growth. Painfully slowly, I think sometimes, extremely slowly. I have given my whole life to him, at least how much I am able to do so. I have always gone forward, when I have been able to surrender fully and when God has freed me from some unhealthy habits or decrease the effect of them.
Process is painful, because God is not giving just bandage and first aid kit for the wounds. He has been the surgeon that opens my heart and seeks the root of the need or wound or hurt. He is operating as long as it need in the area that I am willing to give to him, and he is giving piece of him instead, His unfailing undconditional healing love. He is replacing the parts that are rotten with new touched by His Holy Spirit. He is creating new, not only fixing the old organs. Or the emotions, or whatever there is that has grew wrong. He replaces the lies about myself,hatred towards own imageand identity, with His truth and loving thoughts. And he keeps doing that as long as I let him. Because he loves.
I am not perfect, we are not perfect. We have habits and sources that are harmful. Some people have those more visibly, some very hidden. Some people don’t recognise anything I described from themselves, but we all have something that feeds our needs. When the source is never God, one can’t be satisfied forever. Maybe it takes years even decades to realize there is need that nothing that is in the world can feed it.
I wish we all could come to this thought before there is no tomorrow left: God is there , waiting patiently, when He is being called to help. He who created us to live unity with him, He is waiting and loving and ready to give everything he has for us, He is waiting when we are ready. Ready to make Him the source of our deepest need of unconditional love and meaning or life. He has it, always had, Always gonna have.
Choice is ours. Do we let him to give our life meaning and be our living water.
Everyday we make the choice. As a believer I also have a choice. I have been saved yes, But God wants us to go deeper, and see our life from his perspective. To grow, to be healed and then be hands of healing for others.
I do choose that, knowing I dont do the decision every day same way. But I have chosen to ask God, help me to come to you, show me your way. Your love. Be my whole life. My reason to live.
And I believe God will do excatly that. He has done so much, and I know he never stops.
What do you choose?
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