Running away from God and back to him.

It's been quite a while since I last time wrote something to this blog..

I have something in my mind and I wanna write that down and also share it. 

"In some point I felt
 I don't even know
 the meaning of my life anymore"

I've felt very powerless last 3 and half months, I have faced different obstacles; My health in several area started to have problems, some of them are quite heart breaking, and also I was struggling that time with my motivation with the school and some other minor things. Small by small I have started to drown in to those, and just depression was taking over. Circumstances are never perfect and in life there is always some kind of hardships, but these situations what I had, and actually still have, started to steal my power and fill my mind with fear and hopelessness.
That led me to be depressed, anxious and stressed and I didn't take care of myself properly. I didn't want to eat or take care of myself, I felt I don't have any motivation for that. And in some point I felt I don't even know the meaning of my life enymore. I wasn't suicidal or something like that, but I felt SO empty.

"I kept asking
 WHY this is happening to me? "

I didn't  even realize it couple months ago, but only few weeks ago I understood that I had been so disappointed and bitter to my life ...to God .. that feeling grew inside me. And that led me thinking -even I would like to run towards God and ask his comfort I can not because I am in some way blaming him for my problems. That if I blame him, why He would help me?I was so tired of the circumstances and I kept asking WHY this is happening to me?

"God accepts us always,
 but I just couldnt see that .
I was so hurt."

 I couldn't admit that bitterness , or even wanted to see it in myself. I didn't say that out loud cause I felt I am so bad believer to think even like that about God. I felt if I say that ... I'm doing wrong against God... Im not saying I think that is the truth, that God wouldn't stand if we complain, I still knew  that God is forgiving and he really can stand us, and he appreciate actually if we are honest, but I felt so strongly I am so bad. And it was hard of me to even think any other way. Of course I am... bad in the sense that I need God every single moment because without him, without sacrifice of Jesus there is no good in us. But that "badness" or what so ever is NEVER reason that we Couldnt come to God. Jesus died for SINNERS and God loved the WORLD. God accepts us always, but I just couldnt see that . I was so hurt.

" I started to run

 towards other things "

"...but I still prayed..."

My prayers started to disappear. I think it was in October. I did come to God occasionally, but inside me I felt I cannot trust on God... because I felt he has let me to this situation which hurts me so much... I felt so miserable and... forsaken (which is by the way lie, God NEVER forsakes!!)  I started to run towards other things more. I felt I need someone or something to comfort me, to be there for me... And even I don't use alcohol (actually at all, it is not just for me) or do drugs or something that people thinks is "addictions" I know I'm highly addictive person... so it's easy to me to hide my problems to for example movies and maybe eating too much for helping my anxiousness... those things can grow to be addictions and also something that is kind of barrier between me and God. become poor replacement of God... very poor... But that I did last months, and that made me felt also bad, cause I knew this is not even healthy to me... But I still prayed, and I have never given up on God, or maybe I could say He have never given up on me ! My prayers were maybe very quiet and not often, but they were there. I was with God with the strength and ability I could in that moment. And even I didn't feel that way I know that is enough to God.

"I admitted thought I had ( Im hurt, I blame God)" 

"---I proclaimed the truth: God is able" (to change me) 

Couple weeks ago I finally admitted this thought I had.( I blame God, Im bitter and hurt and I don't understand why this is happening to me) I poured my heart to my friend, I just said all this how I felt about God and about my life and how I at the same time feel I blame God and then because of that I feel failier and "bad believer" and I feel I don't have right to come to God.
Inside me .. I KNEW I want to be with God, but I was so hurt it was so hard... but I admitted it, I said that this is how I am, and even I didn't knew in that moment  if I could be changed. I proclaimed the truth that God is able, even I am not. I said I want to give this hurt and this thought that I am blaming God, and asked that he could change my mind.

"What was left was guilt...
I was still running away from God"

Time after admitting that thought wasn't really easy it was actually REALLY hard. I came back to work after long time two weeks ago... (I was in sick leave for a month because of my health situation and going different doctor... appointments etc. led me be so tired I had to rest from work) And at the same time I still had (have) These health issues and many things on my mind that worries me... and now I had admitted my situation , that I am blaming God, but now what was left was guilt. Guilt that Im blaming God, guilt that I cannot do the right things... and that why I still was running away from God. But I wanted to accept God's love. This is like process...

"God accepts you as you are"

Last weekend I was in one event in our church, that lasted two days. There was worship and three main sermons and also cafe and time for fellowship. The speech at Saturday hit so hard to my face
( I wasn't sure if I even have strenght to go, because I had slept only 2 hours last night and after that I had 4 hours music practise... But I went and I was glad I went.)
I don't remember all from the speech, but what I took to my heart was this:
What ever happens in your life, God accepts you as you are, and even if you are weak and might make bad decisions and you feel you are worth nothing (or something like that) God is always taking you, and he wants you. He wants that we run to his arms and he is not judging. He wants us to come with all we have .
He used the example of the lost son, who rebuked his father by wanting to have his share of the heir. And normally person can get that only after their parent has passed away. So he left his father and after time went by and his cirmumstances went worse he came back with the shame, but his father ran to the son, because he was so happy. He didn't hate or judge, but he took his son to his arms and arranged fiesta for the son who was once lost is now found

"It is so hard for human
 to understand mercy"

" I made decision...
I will ask God's help" (To understand it)

The man who gave the speech there spoke also about that its so hard for human to understand mercy sometimes, or maybe always. It is so hard to accept the fact that We don't earn it. The things we do can never effect to the fact that He accept us as we are. God's love is not changing when we are "bad" or do wrong or run away from him.
This is something I know, but I wasn't taking this to my heart. But I made decision that day, saturday, day before yesterday, that I will ask God's help to admit that fact. Admit that he wants me to come to him ALL the time. Even I would have done wrong, and maybe even more then, because I need him so much more when Im in trouble. I decided that, and that started to set me free.

"I felt God is truly my strength, once again"

Last weekend was also so powerful, because I was in music charge, leading worship in International service, with my friends, and I haven't done that for LONG time... Because I haven't have time and strenght. And I don't know why I took part in the band in first place, because like I told last week was so hard. But I kinda felt that even that I don't have power at all, ...I should still take the responsibility... I felt that God is wanting to show how much he still loves me, and that he is my strenght all the time.
Taking the responsibility made me pray. you know... I just cannot go there without God. :D
And I prayed a lot. We had awesome practise and then the actual worship leading also was so blessed, I felt God istruly my strenght once again... I  felt he gave me and our team his spirit to lead it... I didn't even know all the songs at first, and I have not been playing with that team... God just showed me once again how great he is.

"We can choose faith or fear"

But I still have one more thing to say... Our pastor, who gave sermon yesterday, told about that we can have lot's of negativity around us, voices that could crush us and push us down. Maybe people are telling bad things, or maybe situations, BUT we can choose faith or fear. With faith we have power OVER the cirmustances. They may not change straight away, but that leads us to the hope and Joy, that comes from God, and peace. And it is not about feelings. It is the truth that God is able to help and turn everything from worse to best.
And then I realized, I actually allready did that. When I chose to come with the band and lead the worship it was stepping from the fear to faith... even I felt like I'm so stupid.. cause in human eyes, I should have rested. But this weekend was full of activity but I was still resting with GOD !!

"I still have problems..."

"...but I feel I can now run towards God!"

My circumstances are not changed, I still have those problems with health etc. but I feel I can now run towards God! I have been running since yesterday and I feel like I have been missing him so much. My life is about God, my hope comes from him, and my purpose in life is to be with him, and grow in his love and serve him.
And it is okay to admit that you are not able to run to God, or that you feel you even cannot do that. admit that and ask that God will help you to overcome that.

God accept us ALWAYS and nothing can separate us from his love!

I wanted to share this, because I really feel this is something powerfull
 and hopefully you read this whole thing.
And hey, remember to share your worries to your friends, and especially to those who pray for you. And also to pastor or someone who can help you in the situations.

You are loved <3 

Amen