Desert time

Sun is shining, it's quite hot here.

City is full of people smile in their face.

...
Im pretty happy for long time.
I have been doupting God and thinking of why Im on earth..
thinking of there is nothing for me anymore.

Every day I take around 10 pills for different reasons.
there is pain in my body and in my mind.
what a mess.

Suddenly I realize Im not spending so much time with God.
Who is he? where is he?
I keep on praying without feelings,
I wanna read bible which was precious for me,
and I dont get anything.
I felt empty.

One day I got strenght to do normal things,
and I understood there is still something for me.
I just dont have passion for praying and worshipping.
Still I pray..

This morning I said to God like many other times, how I feel.
Im honest with my feelings...that I dong sense His precense.
I say, I still choose to follow him, even I dont feel like it.

I can be as honest as I can.
And I understand, this is time to ... just trust.
desert, which feels like Im going nowhere, alone.

God is still there with me. always. I know that.

Faith is not just about how I feel.
Its decicion.

I decided two years ago to follow God with all my heart.
And I will try to fullfill that promise.

Now is time to rest and gather strenght for the future.